"Poetry is the one place where people can speak their original human mind. It is the outlet for people to say in public what is known in private." -- Allen Ginsberg
Monday, December 23, 2013
The Tale of Rodger the Sloth
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Sunlit Insecurity
Insecurities in the sun,
Inside and out
Caffeinated cacophony of
Love and life and hate and words.
Mostly my own.
Living in my own head
Will be the death of me.
But how, oh how
Can I visit without attachment?
Public spaces scare me
They open my heart, to wear
On my sleeve, to be torn
By lovers and strangers
Alike.
The setting sun shines brightest,
Reflecting any and all
Lifting smoke from the earth
Cleansing the ground and air
And mind.
Helicopter mountaintops reach
Into the very soul of man.
Encroaching madness
Madness for life;
For love and words and songs and life.
Blowing smoke rings around
My head this life runs
In circle
After circle
After circle
Through the states of mind
No one wants to see again.
Spinning across the cosmos
Whipping into shape the
Nothingness that is language.
Spinning through the stars
As my love for words
Whips into my heart.
Worn and worn
Upon my sleeve,
Loving the word that
Is life.
Sleeping in a laugh,
slipping through
The stars.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Lipcut Daydreams
Lipcut daydreams
Bleed through the page,
Pockmark my hands as it
Drips,
Drips,
Drips.
Oozing from every pore
My love for you is
Drip
Drip
Dripping
Thru the cloth and paper
Drip
Drip
Dripping
Across page
After page
Leaving me,
Lost for words.
Loving me
Speechless.
The blood escaping my
Lipcut daydreams
Thick and thin
Thru pockets and posies and roses
And rain.
Drip
Drip
Dripping
Down the sidewalk I
Wander.
And this lipcut daydream
Has left me
Starkraving in love.
Because the blood from my lip
Drip
Drip
Drips
Into my heart.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Dragon-Phoenix Heart
You, you are beautiful.
In every
Single
Way, and more.
My love for you will
Never fail, never
Falter or wither
Or die.
You, you are the
Light of my life,
The stars in my eye,
And the beat of my
Heart. Even
Though you are miles
Away, I still think of
You. I (wish to) see
You inches from my
Face; I (wish to)
Feel your embrace in mine,
To know you are right where
You are. Being beautiful.
Being you, and I (wish
To) have your love come
Out in wave after wave of
Snuggles and cuddles,
God how I wish.
How I wish you were here,
One night without you
Is one night too many.
Never forget, how I love you.
You will always and
Forever have a place in
The largest ventricle of
My dragon-phoenix
Heart.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Rainy Rambles
Stoplights turn,
The blue buzz of go throught the
Midnight rainy air.
The exhaust clings to the road
And the music pounds on,
Singing my route through the haze
Beating my way down road
Afer road,
After road.
Cold reaching my bones
Wetness from the sky,
Tears of the gods.
Lifegiving, breathtaking love
Of the skies themselves.
This water wandering through
Dreams of yesteryear,
The last time it rianed, oh so
Long ago.
As for now, friends keep
My company, my love and
Affection. Keeping
Me in line, and in love through
This tough time living life.
And the rain the rain the rain,
Leaving me cold, wet and so
Very happy.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
That Place
That place
That place between
Life and hate,
That place
Between loving and
Words, but we always found
That place
To be boring and stale.
A lover in brail
To a blind child
Who never learned to
Listen.
You know,
That place
That place between
Real and imaginary,
That place
In between the stars
That fall between your eyes.
That place.
That's where I love you.
And that's where
I'll always
Yet never.
That place.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Elation Desperation
Every elation has a desperation,
Ups have downs,
We have no rights left.
Life soaring through the
Breathtaking Texas sky,
Leaving me in the dust,
Dirty and alone.
Teased with the fact
That I know who I am,
And yet no one else does.
I am learning to love myself,
But the world around me
Doesn't give two shits.
Loving myself doesn't mean
Anything else loves me.
For what I've done:
I understand.
Deserve is different than
Want, and what I want
Is irrelavent.
Being happy is work,
Life is work, love is work,
And I'm just lazy.
The crippling laziness
That plagues my life
Plagues infesting my mind
Dirty and alone, loveless
And deserving of nothing more
Thursday, November 14, 2013
11/14/13 (continuation of 11/5/13)
More than the high and
Elation of drugs.
Life is magic and strange and wonderful
And weird and awesome
(In the traditional sense,
Of course.)
This wonder that floats
Across my eyes, the ghosts
Of lives gone by,
The words of old junkie sages
Echo in my the box atop my shoulders.
"Their problem
Is just as deep,
Just as bad as yours.
You don't get a hero medal
For what you've done."
The profoundity of this man,
Still hits me to this day.
The Russianliterature-loving-dope-peddling
Sage.
Because life is so much more.
Than being someone I was.
I could do so much better.
I am, in fact, doing better.
Learning to love myself,
And accept myself,
For who I am.
Who I am at this moment.
11/5/13
By despair
My fingers blind across
The page
This pencil being an invader
Invading my old home;
My old being.
Stress and depression bleeding from every
Pore; I don't know why.
That's not true, not entirely.
Life, life
Is my stressor.
Real life is my enemy.
So I run
Run with pills and
Booze and songs
And words.
Floating across my eyes
As if in a dream;
A spectral fantasm of
A long loved and
Forgotten time.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Hydrocodone Hangover
Hydrocodone hangovers have me
Second guessing my second chance,
Have me rethinking my second glances
At the mystery that is life.
Caffeine and cigarettes guide my day
What's to come is pre-coped and
Pre-packaged to fit neatly in the box
On top of my shoulders.
Wondering what life will bring, what
Wondrous things are to come.
What horrible thoughts are to arise from
These wondrous happenstances.
The negative self-talk is corrosive,
Now on, from this point onward
It's going to be positive,
Sunshine and rainbows.
Life is wonderful scary strange and
Magical, what's to come is in the cards
And what has been is in my heart.
Part of me knows I can do my part
To live my life to the fullest,
With my heart outside my breast,
My mind beginning to crest
The hill of the insurmountable.
The insurmountable love that is life.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Couple of weeks.
I got a job, if you couldn't already tell. It's at an electronics store. And, well, I spent pretty much my whole paycheck on computer components. My friend gave me his old rig and I want to upgrade it into a total badass. Plus, the Raspberry Pi I ordered came in, so I have a lot to do. For those who don't know what a Raspberry Pi is; it's a computer the size of half your hand. It's amazing, really. When I got it I felt like a kid in a candy store, all I could say was "Eeeeee."
Still, I hope to keep myself busy with the computer stuff for a while. At least until I feel comfortable with my love leaving. Because, honestly, I am heartbroken. But my solace is in the face that she will have so much fun in college. The thought of her having fun, meeting people and learning brings me joy. That is what makes me feel okay with her leaving. Otherwise I would be in tears 24/7.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Capital Wasteland: My First Novel
Capital Wasteland
Life is Interesting.
I finished my novel. I think I'll just give it away for free online. If I can find a way to host the file on here, then I will do that in short time. Other than that I've been enthralled by computers. I ordered a Rasberry Pi, one of those wallet-sized and fully-functional computers. Honestly, that's just effing amazing to me. A full computer that fits in the palm of your hand. Fuckin' crazy right?
Right.
I also have been enthralled with both the movie and novel, John Dies at the End. If you've never heard of it, check it out. It is definitely worth it. The first time I saw that movie, all I could say was, "what the fuck?" But it was delightfully absurd, emphasis on the delightful. If you're not into reading the book (and I DO wish I had read the book first, just saying) then check out the movie. You can find it on Netflix, or your neighbourhood friendly movie pirating site. I highly recommend it.
Recycled computers are interesting. I just brought one of my first computers back to life, something that took all of a day and ten bucks worth of adapters, not sure if it's worth it. Mostly because of the internet connection, but hey, can't win em all. I may just wire it, instead of using one of those cheap USB wireless adapters. But honestly, all of that was just testing and preparation for when I get the Rasberry Pi. Which, to my dismay, hasn't even been processed. [entersadfacehere]
Still, life has been an amazing time. Not to mean it's over, quite the opposite. Graduating high school just made me realize that I have so much more to do. I try to focus on the here-and-now, but I keep having looming thoughts about failing to become employed, getting an education, and the whole lot. So if anyone in the Austin, Texas area knows someone who's hiring, drop me a line.
That's my update so far. I hope it's been amazing for you, too.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Dream of a Nightmare
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Many Apologies Coming from This Dude Right Here.
Again, many apologies from me.
Happy reading, from yours truly
Richard.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
To C
To the bliss
Of sunshine and the sweet of a rose
And with the power of a kiss,
I fell to the sky.
I thought I would bleed
For you, but I found myself
Upon a midnight reading
Out from my lonesome shelf.
The picture on the page
Dances in my head wile
As this bird flies from the cage
Made weak from this child.
The voice of my past
Cannot last
This straining of my heart
He died whilst speaking his art.
In the Mood to Destroy Something Beautiful
Adolescence is a twentieth century invention, I've heard that a lot echoing through my mind. The more I think about it, the more I realize it's true. We are a generation of men raised by women, a generation of women raised by the media. I'm still unsure if another voice in our heads is for the better. Freud's Superego has been amassing an army. To fight the moral fight of this stillyoung century. I've been debating whether or not I should just opt out, or pick a side. One thing that still gets me is my knack for picking a side unintentionally. The Id has been amassing an army as well. Set up to fight the Armageddon of the New Age. Maybe that's what all that biblical shit is about. Morals, since, the bible can be boiled down to a book of morals. A HIGHLY symbolic book of morals. You know the drill, God is in each and every one of us, blah blah blah. But once you think about it, all those hippie shit "freethinkers" have got something there. Makes me wonder if my senseless hedonism is worth it.
Then I think, "well, if the world is going to end, then fuck yeah." Still a resounding argument from the Id. While the Superego is always nagging, "get your shit together, be a good person, blah blah blah." This goes on each and every day inside me until I have a headache that could part the Red Sea.
Arm thyselves for the coming war.
And as always, happy reading.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Spaceship Earth
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Once I thought there was a title, but not I'm not so sure
I've decided to live out of my notebooks from now on. I love the feel of writing longhand. It gets my ideas out in an organized way, as opposed to scrambled and put together in a very short amount of time. Writing longhand helps me write better. So, as of now I'll be living out of notebooks. The trouble is, I always feel weird writing randomly in a notebook in the middle of class. I am paranoid that someone will call me out on it, read over my shoulder, or make fun of me for it. Though, the little fucks in my classes aren't really worth feeling hurt over. Alas, the pain is still there.
A lot of the time I feel as if I was born in the wrong era. I have been obsessed with the Beat generation for a long time. Though it went dormant when I got sober. So now all I can think of when I think of the Beats are drugs. I don't know if I can ever feel that same passion again. That passionate wide-eyed sweat that comes from reading Howl, that wondrous and infectious thought that the truth is out there, somewhere and all that I have to do is search for it by any means necessary. The senseless thoughtful hedonism that led the generation to literary legend. I want to feel that again. At the same time, though, I want to be healthy. I want to be stable and I want to make something of my life. Isn't the whole life of an artist devoted to chance, passion, and love? The chance to do something great through your art, at the expense of everything else. Something about that just sings to me its siren song. If only I could do both. Live a life of love, truth, wonder and still be stable enough to not have everyone around me hate me for who I am.
I guess that's the rant of the day. Just me, bearing my soul open and injured on the proverbial stage. Just please, be careful with my heart. It's the only thing I want to keep intact.
Happy reading.
Asking All the Right Questions
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
New Thing I Am Trying (Sketches!)
On a side note, I am now eight days completely sober and I've never felt better! It's amazing, really. I am motivated to do my work now (gasp!) Well, at least work in some classes. Others I am just too filled by hatred to concentrate. Hey, baby steps right? I think the secret to it all was hydration. I had this crazy idea that it would make me feel better. It has! Also, limes are like a godsend right now. They help a lot with cleansing the system, and I just got a big bag of them.
Happy reading, comrades!
Sketch 1
Monday, March 18, 2013
The Girl with the Sunshine Eyes and Thundercloud Smile
Time Runs Thin
The music comes
To dramatic endings
As the tick-tock eyes move
Back and forth
Back
And
Forth.
The four/four time of my heart
Has filled the beats,
And filled your soul.
But music is what you speak,
And music is my whole.
Alas, time runs thin.
And my words ended in awkward clauses,
Never finding the right notes,
Not finding the right tone.
I wanted to make you smile,
But I ended up flat, clashing,
My words in discord.
A brand-new notebook, filled
With the ideas of a
Mad man, yet
Never finding their way in.
The silence after the song fills
The page, as
Time
Runs
Thin.
Late Posts
I will try to post mostly every day from now on. I seriously fell out of the habit of posting. One thing I will fix, for sure.
Happy reading.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Night Winds
Across my window. The air;
Cold yet inviting, wishes me to
Walk the streets, wondering where I
Would end up.
But my heart, tells me no.
So I sit here, wondering
Just where I would end up.
I am enticed, yet afraid
Of what the night has to offer.
I try to bring myself
Back to the reason I am this way.
But the night, the darkness of
The night wind wishes me into
Wanderlust.
So I play music, try
To forget myself,
My past, the dark night.
I write to soothe my soul,
But the nightly wind
Blares through my headphones,
Straight into my head,
Planting the seed of
Doubt, regret, dismay.
I wonder if I will
Ever be right again.
I want to say I will.
I want to believe I
Will be who I have always
Wanted to be.
As I sit here,
Cold and alone.
I wonder when my life
Passed me by,
Travelling on the dark
Night winds.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Broken Moons and Afternoons
My heart fades.
I am left sitting alone
Whether I really like
I am reminded of what I
veins. I've seen what's left
I feel as if I don't deserve
I have no stars left.
I have no desire to remember.
I want nothing more than
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Arabian Afternoons
This shit.
Muffled bottles cracking
Show the Afternoon
For what it's worth;
or
What it could be.
Bottle caps protruding
From the eyelids of
The forgotten;
Of the wasted, lost
And rich:
Tell the story of
This night
And this night
In particular.
It's only the Afternoon, but
What the night
Has in store;
What the night
Waits for-
Is just what it
Could be.
What with the
"you've said this
Before"
And the fizz on the
Tops of what follows:
I never wanted more
Than another's voice.
Another's look on
How this glass empties.
And now I realize this
Is well within my grasp.
You are with in my grasp.
And what happens between us,
Is meant for the Gods-
What happens between us,
Is viewed only by
Fallen angels, who
Know what it's like
To be lost.
Who know not love,
But the pain of
Children who never knew
Their fathers,
Of the ghost of reason
Popping in your head
As the needle goes in,
And of lovers, who never
Quite learned to love
Eachother.
Then again,
The night's still young.
The drought not yet
Drunk and my loves
Not yet loved.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Minecraft Ending: What the What?
This is where it gets weird. Instead of the usual credits, you are presented with a series of textual voices. These voices tell you that you have been in a dream. That the entire world you live in, not only in Minecraft, is the universe talking to you. That your existence in Minecraft is not only a dream, but the world you live in playing the game is a game. That the universe is a series of codes, that your body is composed of a 'code' called DNA. And that you are everything the universe has to offer. The quote that stands out the most is "You are love."
What really gets me is the depth of the game that I have always thought to be meaningless. The only thing standing between you and the void of nothing (which, is impossible to imagine) is a series of code that makes you who you are. Not only that, but the perceptions of this code (you) is dictated by the vast void of the universe. That, the only thing you know--reality--is just a series of codes and sequences that just happen to make you who you are.
My first thought was, "how very Buddhist." Since, this is one of the core beliefs in Buddhism. One that I personally believe to be true. As a Buddhist, this end sequence really spoke to me. It told me not only what I already know, but what I have been wanting to validate. I don't know if the creators of Minecraft are Buddhist, but I have a growing suspicion that they are. The thing that gets me, yet again, is the sense that the things they are saying are true. It's that feeling you get when you see bits of 'wisdom' from more than one source. That is how you know this 'wisdom' is true.
I put 'wisdom' in quotes because there is no real way of knowing if this is wise or not. The only thing that qualifies it as 'wise' is the belief that it is so. This, I know for sure. It's the only thing that I know for sure: that there is nothing for sure. Even then, the ending of Minecraft was something wholly unexpected. From a game that has little to no story to come out and slap you in the face with more story than one of the weaker mindset cannot handle in one dose.
Which, brings to mind that the only reason it was such a large dose of story in one sitting was there really is no story to Minecraft. The whole point of the game is to make your own story. Admittedly this is limited, but for me the ending sequence of Minecraft is more than enough story for this simple little game. One thing is for sure: from now on I will look at Minecraft with a whole new and deeper light than I have before. Minecraft is now on my list of favourite games of all time.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
The Price Payed for Convenience
Friday, February 22, 2013
Linux! I am here!
Alas, in my excitement I failed to back up all of my music. Some number of gigs of music (including some of my own mixes) were lost into the void of cyberspace. No big loss, really. Except, it kind of is. But it's fixable. So, my question to you is: what are some good artists to download? I would love anything electronic (dubstep, drum 'n bass, electro, house, etc.) also anything folk-y or indie. I'm probably not going to sleep anytime soon. Blasting Pandora until I can reclaim my lost files. Not to mention I have SO much to explore in this OS! So much fun.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Don't know what to do. (rant and reflection)
Death Valley 01
The man hit his hand on the desk. The hollow metallic scream echoed through the dark room. Mathis jumped, and put up his hands.