Don't know what to do. (rant and reflection)

    I find myself sitting alone in my chair, not knowing what to do.  I'm listening to doom jazz, but all I can think is "fuck man, get it together, write something!"  But every time I try I can only squeeze out a few lines at a time.  I don't know whether I'm writing the right story right now, or whether I need to write at all.  Shit, I definitely need to get my shit together.  I've been sober a week now, though that feels like a sham.  I don't know what it is but every time I say, "wow, you've made it a week," I just have to go and fuck things up.  Goddammit.  The only thing I feel like doing right now is smoking.  Though I have the sorest throat anyone could imagine.  I believe I am sick.  I want to believe otherwise, but alas, I am sick.  I also got my girlfriend sick.  That I really regret.  I never want anyone to feel bad because of me.  No matter what.  Though I do have a holiday tomorrow, and am looking forward to some alone time.  It seems recently that I have had no time to myself.  As opposed to entire summers spent by myself.  Honestly I miss that.  Just spending a summer by myself, only hanging out with people when I felt the fancy.  I feel like I've changed so much over the past year alone.  I see things with different eyes now.  It's a strange feeling.  One that I have no words to describe it with.  One part of me loves the fact that I have changed, the other misses what I left behind.  And that doesn't mean I miss the drugs, I hate them now more than ever.  What I miss is the sense of irresponsibility that I had back then.  The sense that nothing mattered, no matter what I did.  And that I would face any consequence that came my way.  Well, the consequences are here, and I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  And again, part of me regrets doing what I did.  The other part doesn't because it made me who I am right now.  And to be honest I like who I am right now.  Addict or not, I like the Richard that I have become.  I've changed a lot, but most of the changes were for the better.  Actually, all of the changes were for the better.  You see, I've always been the kind of person to only avoid something if I know it is bad.  And I really believe now that all the things I have done in the past--drug related at least--were bad for me.  Only now do I realize that I have been a fool.  I have always been a fool.  But that's okay, because I am now trying to make myself a better person.  One step at a time.  I know now that I have to be responsible for the actions I make, good and bad.  I know now that any kind of drug is bad for me.  And I really regret doing anything that had me in an intoxicated haze.  But at the same time I don't.  Because that made me who I am today.  I would like to say I am wiser for what I have done.  Though I feel like now it's only a roadblock to my future.  And at the same time I feel like all of that was inevitable.  I am just happy that it happened when it did, when I had a safety net to catch me.  That I am eternally grateful for.  I can only hope that the rest of my life follows what makes me happy in the long run, not just in the moment.