Dear C,

You Were Right

I've thought

     Myself

  Into holes

          Turning into

        Abyssal darkness.

Learning as I

     Climb

       Back

         Out

    Wondering how

      I found

          Myself

  In the dark again.

Living in an immutable state

          Of regret

               I

    Vow never to return:

                      I

                   Find myself

       In the dark again.

So you were

             Right

   You always

         Had been.

   I was thick

     I was rash

       I was blind.

You loved me

             When

     I could not love myself.

You grounded me

       Turned on the light

    Or lit my torch.

I pray

        You are happy

                      Contented.

        Because I am.

You deserve

      That and

   So              so

        Much more.
I hope this 

      Finds you well

  Finds you

            Warmly.

        In sunlight with

    Flowers in your hair, and

           No cloud in your eyes.

I yearn that no gust blows

       Those flowers in your hair away.

I implore my words won't cast that cloud.

-- R

Dragon-Phoenix Heart

You, you are beautiful.
In every
Single
Way, and more.
My love for you will
Never fail, never
Falter or wither
Or die.
You, you are the
Light of my life,
The stars in my eye,
And the beat of my
Heart.  Even
Though you are miles
Away, I still think of
You. I (wish to) see
You inches from my
Face; I (wish to)
Feel your embrace in mine,
To know you are right where
You are.  Being beautiful.
Being you, and I (wish
To) have your love come
Out in wave after wave of
Snuggles and cuddles,
God how I wish.
How I wish you were here,
One night without you
Is one night too many.

Never forget, how I love you.
You will always and
Forever have a place in
The largest ventricle of
My dragon-phoenix
Heart.

Elation Desperation

Every elation has a desperation,
Ups have downs,
We have no rights left.
Life soaring through the
Breathtaking Texas sky,
Leaving me in the dust,
Dirty and alone.
Teased with the fact
That I know who I am,
And yet no one else does.
I am learning to love myself,
But the world around me
Doesn't give two shits.
Loving myself doesn't mean
Anything else loves me.

For what I've done:
I understand.
Deserve is different than
Want, and what I want
Is irrelavent.

Being happy is work,
Life is work, love is work,
And I'm just lazy.
The crippling laziness
That plagues my life
Plagues infesting my mind
Dirty and alone, loveless
And deserving of nothing more

Couple of weeks.

It's been a rough day, for me at least.  I said goodbye to the girl I truly love, and I couldn't help crying the rest of the day.  But the more I think about it, the more I want her to be happier than she ever was with me.  I want her to be the happiest she's ever been every day for the rest of her life.  She deserves it, that is for damn sure. 

I got a job, if you couldn't already tell.  It's at an electronics store.  And, well, I spent pretty much my whole paycheck on computer components.  My friend gave me his old rig and I want to upgrade it into a total badass.  Plus, the Raspberry Pi I ordered came in, so I have a lot to do.  For those who don't know what a Raspberry Pi is; it's a computer the size of half your hand.  It's amazing, really.  When I got it I felt like a kid in a candy store, all I could say was "Eeeeee."

Still, I hope to keep myself busy with the computer stuff for a while.  At least until I feel comfortable with my love leaving.  Because, honestly, I am heartbroken.  But my solace is in the face that she will have so much fun in college.  The thought of her having fun, meeting people and learning brings me joy.  That is what makes me feel okay with her leaving.  Otherwise I would be in tears 24/7.

Capital Wasteland: My First Novel

Here's a link to my very first novel.  Please, read it and give me advice.  If anything just read it, or let it collect dust on your hard drive.  But yeah, give it a whirl.

Capital Wasteland

Happy reading, as always,

Richard

Life is Interesting.

    So, it's officially gotten to the point where the only thing I ever type into the computer is my password.  I need to keep writing, even now it feels alien to be typing.  I figure it's high time I start posting again.
    I finished my novel.  I think I'll just give it away for free online.  If I can find a way to host the file on here, then I will do that in short time.  Other than that I've been enthralled by computers.  I ordered a Rasberry Pi, one of those wallet-sized and fully-functional computers.  Honestly, that's just effing amazing to me.  A full computer that fits in the palm of your hand.  Fuckin' crazy right?
    Right.
    I also have been enthralled with both the movie and novel, John Dies at the End.  If you've never heard of it, check it out.  It is definitely worth it.  The first time I saw that movie, all I could say was, "what the fuck?"  But it was delightfully absurd, emphasis on the delightful.  If you're not into reading the book (and I DO wish I had read the book first, just saying) then check out the movie.  You can find it on Netflix, or your neighbourhood friendly movie pirating site.  I highly recommend it.
    Recycled computers are interesting.  I just brought one of my first computers back to life, something that took all of a day and ten bucks worth of adapters, not sure if it's worth it.  Mostly because of the internet connection, but hey, can't win em all.  I may just wire it, instead of using one of those cheap USB wireless adapters.  But honestly, all of that was just testing and preparation for when I get the Rasberry Pi.  Which, to my dismay, hasn't even been processed.  [entersadfacehere]
    Still, life has been an amazing time.  Not to mean it's over, quite the opposite.  Graduating high school just made me realize that I have so much more to do.  I try to focus on the here-and-now, but I keep having looming thoughts about failing to become employed, getting an education, and the whole lot.  So if anyone in the Austin, Texas area knows someone who's hiring, drop me a line.
    That's my update so far.  I hope it's been amazing for you, too.

Happy Reading,

Richard

Many Apologies Coming from This Dude Right Here.

    As the title says, many apologies for not being on.  I am neck deep in my first novel.  One that I started a number of years ago, but never got around to editing it fully.  May I say, it's a good-un.  Though I will just self-publish, instead of getting an agent, because I A) don't have the money for one, and B) I'm not too much invested in this as I should be.  I guess I want to do other things with my life right now.  I really love writing, but I can't find the time for it anymore.  Yet another reason I haven't been blogging.  I really should make the time, but it's getting down to the end of the year, schoolwise, and it's crunch-time.  I guess I'll have more time once school gets out.  Well, I will hopefully have a job by then, so it's really up in the air now.  I'll start posting things when I can, I just can't do it everyday like I promised. 
Again, many apologies from me.

Happy reading, from yours truly
Richard.

In the Mood to Destroy Something Beautiful

    Lately I've been in the mood to destroy something.  Something beautiful, and preferably non-living.  Like burn the Louvre and wipe my ass with the Mona Lira, as my copy of Fight Club says.  I don't know, man.  I'm usually not that kind of guy.  But lately I feel like it.  I might as well enjoy it, since I've been labelled a douche for the rest of my high school career.  Two months never seemed so long.  In a sense I have destroyed something beautiful.  I really did, if I think about it.  I guess that's why I feel this way, the whole 'fuck it' attitude.  I'm going to be in school for two more fucking months, then bam.  Real life.  I honestly think I should live as much as I can now, before life kicks in.
    Adolescence is a twentieth century invention, I've heard that a lot echoing through my mind.  The more I think about it, the more I realize it's true.  We are a generation of men raised by women, a generation of women raised by the media.  I'm still unsure if another voice in our heads is for the better.  Freud's Superego has been amassing an army.  To fight the moral fight of this stillyoung century.  I've been debating whether or not I should just opt out, or pick a side.  One thing that still gets me is my knack for picking a side unintentionally.  The Id has been amassing an army as well.  Set up to fight the Armageddon of the New Age.  Maybe that's what all that biblical shit is about.  Morals, since, the bible can be boiled down to a book of morals.  A HIGHLY symbolic book of morals.  You know the drill, God is in each and every one of us, blah blah blah.  But once you think about it, all those hippie shit "freethinkers" have got something there.  Makes me wonder if my senseless hedonism is worth it.
    Then I think, "well, if the world is going to end, then fuck yeah."  Still a resounding argument from the Id.  While the Superego is always nagging, "get your shit together, be a good person, blah blah blah."  This goes on each and every day inside me until I have a headache that could part the Red Sea. 

Arm thyselves for the coming war.
And as always, happy reading.

Once I thought there was a title, but not I'm not so sure

    My apologies for not posting yesterday.  Busy busy busy.  Trying new things, sobriety for one.  Also, it's been a while since I've cried.  It felt good.  Almost feel like doing that now, if my eyes weren't burning out of my skull.  I honestly feel like a late night would be good for me.  Perhaps it would, I don't really know anymore.  Watching On the Road (the movie, I didn't sit and watch the book for two hours) really is making me want to live that life.  I've caught the Beat bug once again.  I only fear this won't be good for the likes of me.  Part of me wants to live a short life, burning twice as fast.  I am unsure that I would be twice as bright, on the other hand.  I've led that life, and it almost killed me.  I don't know if I want another go at that.  But goddamn, a drink sounds really good right about now.
    I've decided to live out of my notebooks from now on.  I love the feel of writing longhand.  It gets my ideas out in an organized way, as opposed to scrambled and put together in a very short amount of time.  Writing longhand helps me write better.  So, as of now I'll be living out of notebooks.  The trouble is, I always feel weird writing randomly in a notebook in the middle of class.  I am paranoid that someone will call me out on it, read over my shoulder, or make fun of me for it.  Though, the little fucks in my classes aren't really worth feeling hurt over.  Alas, the pain is still there.
    A lot of the time I feel as if I was born in the wrong era.  I have been obsessed with the Beat generation for a long time.  Though it went dormant when I got sober.  So now all I can think of when I think of the Beats are drugs.  I don't know if I can ever feel that same passion again.  That passionate wide-eyed sweat that comes from reading Howl, that wondrous and infectious thought that the truth is out there, somewhere and all that I have to do is search for it by any means necessary.  The senseless thoughtful hedonism that led the generation to literary legend.  I want to feel that again.  At the same time, though, I want to be healthy.  I want to be stable and I want to make something of my life.  Isn't the whole life of an artist devoted to chance, passion, and love?  The chance to do something great through your art, at the expense of everything else.  Something about that just sings to me its siren song.  If only I could do both.  Live a life of love, truth, wonder and still be stable enough to not have everyone around me hate me for who I am.
   I guess that's the rant of the day.  Just me, bearing my soul open and injured on the proverbial stage.  Just please, be careful with my heart.  It's the only thing I want to keep intact.

Happy reading.

New Thing I Am Trying (Sketches!)

    Inspired by the late Jack Kerouac, I am going to start sketching.  But here's the twist, I am going to sketch with words!  I re-picked up the Book of Sketches by Jack Kerouac.  It has inspired me to sketch, at least once a day to keep up my writing chops.  I have gotten a bit rusty, especially in poetry.  I would love to be much better than I am at the moment.  So expect a sketch a day!  Practice practice practice!

    On a side note, I am now eight days completely sober and I've never felt better!  It's amazing, really.  I am motivated to do my work now (gasp!)  Well, at least work in some classes.  Others I am just too filled by hatred to concentrate.  Hey, baby steps right?  I think the secret to it all was hydration.  I had this crazy idea that it would make me feel better.  It has!  Also, limes are like a godsend right now.  They help a lot with cleansing the system, and I just got a big bag of them. 

Happy reading, comrades!

Late Posts

    Okay, so.  Last week was spring break for me, and it was busy.  To say the least.  I went camping the first three days.  Honestly it's a bit of a blur after that.  All I remember is the very long hike, next thing I know I'm in this woman's arms.  Arms I love very much, probably the best way to end the weekdays.  Except when she had to leave, I wanted her to stay in Austin.  But I thought she would have had more fun seeing buffalo and such.  Then, after a very chill day of doing nothing; I went to go see Eric Clapton.  I have to say, that was a hell of a concert!  I've only seen three other old guys who can rock that hard.  And I'm pretty sure they're gods.  At least demi-gods.  Either way, they all will go to musical Olympus, and be merry.
    I will try to post mostly every day from now on.  I seriously fell out of the habit of posting.  One thing I will fix, for sure.

Happy reading.

Minecraft Ending: What the What?

    So, I finally went through the End portal in Minecraft.  For those of you who don't know, it's a portal in a dungeon that sends you to another world.  You are faced with a dragon that you have to kill.  Once you do, however, the game supposedly 'ends' and you are taken to the credits screen.
     This is where it gets weird.  Instead of the usual credits, you are presented with a series of textual voices.  These voices tell you that you have been in a dream.  That the entire world you live in, not only in Minecraft, is the universe talking to you.  That your existence in Minecraft is not only a dream, but the world you live in playing the game is a game.  That the universe is a series of codes, that your body is composed of a 'code' called DNA.  And that you are everything the universe has to offer.  The quote that stands out the most is "You are love."
    What really gets me is the depth of the game that I have always thought to be meaningless.  The only thing standing between you and the void of nothing (which, is impossible to imagine) is a series of code that makes you who you are.  Not only that, but the perceptions of this code (you) is dictated by the vast void of the universe.  That, the only thing you know--reality--is just a series of codes and sequences that just happen to make you who you are.
    My first thought was, "how very Buddhist."  Since, this is one of the core beliefs in Buddhism.  One that I personally believe to be true.  As a Buddhist, this end sequence really spoke to me.  It told me not only what I already know, but what I have been wanting to validate.  I don't know if the creators of Minecraft are Buddhist, but I have a growing suspicion that they are.  The thing that gets me, yet again, is the sense that the things they are saying are true.  It's that feeling you get when you see bits of 'wisdom' from more than one source.  That is how you know this 'wisdom' is true.
    I put 'wisdom' in quotes because there is no real way of knowing if this is wise or not.  The only thing that qualifies it as 'wise' is the belief that it is so.  This, I know for sure.  It's the only thing that I know for sure: that there is nothing for sure.  Even then, the ending of Minecraft was something wholly unexpected.  From a game that has little to no story to come out and slap you in the face with more story than one of the weaker mindset cannot handle in one dose.
    Which, brings to mind that the only reason it was such a large dose of story in one sitting was there really is no story to Minecraft.  The whole point of the game is to make your own story.  Admittedly this is limited, but for me the ending sequence of Minecraft is more than enough story for this simple little game.  One thing is for sure: from now on I will look at Minecraft with a whole new and deeper light than I have before.  Minecraft is now on my list of favourite games of all time.

Linux! I am here!

    I recently changed my OS to Linux Ubuntu.  And good god, I am loving it.  It's just so pretty!  And very user friendly, not only that but my computer runs SO much faster on it.  It was hard to change at first, and I had to go through a different version of Linux before deciding on Ubuntu, but I am glad that I did. 
   Alas, in my excitement I failed to back up all of my music.  Some number of gigs of music (including some of my own mixes) were lost into the void of cyberspace.  No big loss, really.  Except, it kind of is.  But it's fixable.  So, my question to you is: what are some good artists to download?  I would love anything electronic (dubstep, drum 'n bass, electro, house, etc.) also anything folk-y or indie.  I'm probably not going to sleep anytime soon.  Blasting Pandora until I can reclaim my lost files.  Not to mention I have SO much to explore in this OS!  So much fun.

Don't know what to do. (rant and reflection)

    I find myself sitting alone in my chair, not knowing what to do.  I'm listening to doom jazz, but all I can think is "fuck man, get it together, write something!"  But every time I try I can only squeeze out a few lines at a time.  I don't know whether I'm writing the right story right now, or whether I need to write at all.  Shit, I definitely need to get my shit together.  I've been sober a week now, though that feels like a sham.  I don't know what it is but every time I say, "wow, you've made it a week," I just have to go and fuck things up.  Goddammit.  The only thing I feel like doing right now is smoking.  Though I have the sorest throat anyone could imagine.  I believe I am sick.  I want to believe otherwise, but alas, I am sick.  I also got my girlfriend sick.  That I really regret.  I never want anyone to feel bad because of me.  No matter what.  Though I do have a holiday tomorrow, and am looking forward to some alone time.  It seems recently that I have had no time to myself.  As opposed to entire summers spent by myself.  Honestly I miss that.  Just spending a summer by myself, only hanging out with people when I felt the fancy.  I feel like I've changed so much over the past year alone.  I see things with different eyes now.  It's a strange feeling.  One that I have no words to describe it with.  One part of me loves the fact that I have changed, the other misses what I left behind.  And that doesn't mean I miss the drugs, I hate them now more than ever.  What I miss is the sense of irresponsibility that I had back then.  The sense that nothing mattered, no matter what I did.  And that I would face any consequence that came my way.  Well, the consequences are here, and I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  And again, part of me regrets doing what I did.  The other part doesn't because it made me who I am right now.  And to be honest I like who I am right now.  Addict or not, I like the Richard that I have become.  I've changed a lot, but most of the changes were for the better.  Actually, all of the changes were for the better.  You see, I've always been the kind of person to only avoid something if I know it is bad.  And I really believe now that all the things I have done in the past--drug related at least--were bad for me.  Only now do I realize that I have been a fool.  I have always been a fool.  But that's okay, because I am now trying to make myself a better person.  One step at a time.  I know now that I have to be responsible for the actions I make, good and bad.  I know now that any kind of drug is bad for me.  And I really regret doing anything that had me in an intoxicated haze.  But at the same time I don't.  Because that made me who I am today.  I would like to say I am wiser for what I have done.  Though I feel like now it's only a roadblock to my future.  And at the same time I feel like all of that was inevitable.  I am just happy that it happened when it did, when I had a safety net to catch me.  That I am eternally grateful for.  I can only hope that the rest of my life follows what makes me happy in the long run, not just in the moment.

Stories, stories, stories!

In the next few days I'll be attempting to post a couple of my stories.  I'm currently leaving the site where I would post my stories, it's been a long time.  Four years I believe, since I've joined the place.  It really doesn't look the same anymore.  I figure it's time for a change in scenery.  So, I hope to have this place as my new story-dump.  Such a gross sounding phrase, but hey, gotta put them somewhere.  I hope more people will read this blog, I'll start whoring it out, like a lot.  So that will help.  I hope that I can really start being faithful to this, I haven't in the past.  It's new, and I need to get in the habit of posting nearly everyday.  So, welcome newcomers, follow me if you like!

Come forth ye hethens and monsters!

    Rain!  One of the most wonderful things on this earth.  The life giving, heartwarming and ever-so chilly gift of the clouds.  As of now it hasn’t rained yet, but I am hoping and praying it will!  A great night to be reading H. P. Lovecraft and perhaps some tea later.  Who knows?  What I do know is that the wind is blowing up something fierce.  And the slight chill to my room doesn’t make the horror stories that less real.  On the contrary, the inter-dimensional fuckery that is Lovecraft has got me closing up my blinds and clogging my ears as to ward off any an unwarranted sound.  Not only that, the sun reflecting onto my laptop in ways I never thought possible.  Mostly because I usually have the blinds closed shut (I read a bit too much).  Ah, but I love reading.  Especially when I get books for pennies on the dollar at thrift stores.  Again, I love reading.

    But I digress.  Rain!  That’s where I was.  Something about the rain evokes something not-of-this-world in me.  That paranoid feeling I received once in a skunky haze.  The feeling that has me looking over my shoulder at every car passing me by.  And what do I do?  Write!  That’s what.  I am starting to think that I have way too many books in my possession.  Then I think, nah.  You can never have too much.

    Ah yes, rain!  It reminds me of the story I just finished an hour ago.  One of a twin brother to a beast not of this world.  At once I think of the hill-topped climax of the story.  It still gives me a shudder to think of it.  But it’s a pleasant shudder.  One that makes me smile on my insides at the crows shouting through the trees outside my window.  Most likely eating whatever the rain brings up.  Probably worms, or what have you.  Once thought to be bad omens, the birds are now my friends.  Though Whippoorwills still weird me out.

    And again, rain!  The wind is blowing the branches of trees toward my window as the sun sets peacefully (yet menacingly) in the background.  There’s something about this weather—this day in fact—that has me on edge.  Hopefully the rain washes that all away and starts this week afresh.  I hope to hope that what is brewing in the sky will be benevolent.  Too many a time have the skies opened up and put forth something akin to despair.  That has changed in recent times.  The rain reminds me of summer (strangely, because it rained so little the last few summers), something about hiding out in my house to escape the gales.  Something about love or loss, of what I do not know.  But something in the skies is brewing, that much is true.  The people coming home from work are in a sort of panic.  Whether that be from the rain, or whatever is behind it.  For so many things come from the skies, it’s hard to keep track of them all.

January twenty-seventh

    I want to be reincarnated as a cat.  I just think it would be such a cushy lifestyle.  And I was thinking, lying in bed not sleeping that it would be an amazing thing to be.  At least a well-cared-for housecat.  Any pet really.  The whole concept of reincarnation is interesting.  I feel, as a Buddhist that life cannot just end.  If there is really such thing as a soul then it cannot be created or destroyed.  Then again everything comes and goes from nothing, so it's all a crap-shoot really.
    One thing that still gets me is my love of books.  I just love to read, but I find myself doing more (or less) productive things than reading.  I really do enjoy it, but I can't bring myself to do it sometimes.  I find that the best time to read is if you can't sleep.  But as of right now I'm blogging on this new blog instead of reading.  Ah well, I need to write more anyway.
    Speaking of, I've been working on this new story.  I'm unsure whether to make it into a whole book or just a long short story.  Either way I have a lot to say and not a lot of time to say it.  Which, again, is relative.  I just need to make the time to do anything I want to.  And I half-promised to myself to keep writing, even if it's just irrelevant things like what I'm writing now.  If anything this is more a journal than blog.  I'm still unsure what a blog is anymore.

    Here's one of my favourite quotes:  "My fault, my failure, is not my passions but my lack of control of them."  -- Jack Kerouac.